


All I wanted was to understand

by Fictio



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Armie is 32 and Timmy is 24, Attempt at smut, Developing Friendships, Fluff, It's not angsty guys not really, M/M, Soft Boys, Strangers to Lovers, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-01-05 15:32:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18368894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictio/pseuds/Fictio
Summary: He's not good with words. He's shit with actions.And he's so lonely. All he wants is to be understood and try his best to understand the other person.OrTimmy meets a stranger on the beach.





	1. Chapter 1

Timmy was done with the conversation. He wanted a bit of time for himself, wanted a bit of peace and quiet. 

 

“I am just saying, think about it”

“Yeah I know…”

“It's closer to work and … like it's been two years.”

 

She was right. And she was as tired of this conversation as Tim was. To point out the obvious and the most logical next progression of their relationship.

Cathy had always been patient with him and his ramblings. After being together for more than two years he felt like he didn't need to always say things that matter, that she would somehow understand. 

 

There is this awkwardness in the air when they are together nowadays. She is waiting for him to decide for themselves and he's waiting for time to pass, waiting for her to somehow make the decision for them or to change her mind. It's childish but he can't help it. There's a lot going on in his mind and in his life. He just can't handle so many people depending on him and having high expectations from him.

But how can you say that to your girlfriend?

 

He wants to talk all about it with her but she's too occupied with her career and her sister's wedding. He listens to her patiently and helps with whatever she needs. Whenever he wants to talk she's always tired, always with the same, “tim I am tired”, “of course I was listening”, “I can't listen to your rambling right now”. The last one stings sometimes. So he's mostly silent nowadays. He could easily say what's bothering him But for some reason he isn't able to say what he wants and he is afraid to hurt her feelings.

 

\----

 

He's driving around aimlessly.

 

It's 5 in the morning.

 

He's fucking crazy.

 

He couldn't sleep last night. The conversation with Cathy playing in a loop inside his brain.

 

“I think I need a break”

“Maybe figure out overselves”

“You obviously don't want to move in with me right now”

 

He didn't get to say what he wanted to.

“You're obviously not emotionally present for me.”

“I can't think about moving in with you with so many things going on with my life. And maybe you want to move in with me only because your sister is getting married and you want to prove her and your mother something.”

“I don't want a break”.

 

But the thing that he's able to say is

“Yeah, you're right”

 

So they are officially on a break and Timmy is wandering around with a camera on the passenger seat , 5 o'clock in the morning. 

 

It's been a while when he decides to go the beach and take photos of the sunrise there. Maybe sit and sulk for a while.

 

\----

 

The quiet is comforting. It's interesting how you can feel alone in a crowd and not a sense of the same loneliness in a stranded place. 

 

Timmy's sitting on the bonnet of his car. After a forty minute drive and forty minute of over thinking, he has finally find some peace. He's watching the darkness and waiting for it to slowly be engulfed by the sunlight.

 

He sees an old man and a women sitting on the beach holding on to some kind of news clipping. He's not sure. They look lovely together. He can't ever imagine himself being that way with someone, being engrossed in each other.  Why is being with someone, even having a friendship, so difficult nowadays. He feels unsure about everything and everybody. It feels like a cycle where he starts feeling comfortable with someone then the next moment something happens like a mere word being said or a look that encompasses more than any word that can be uttered and suddenly he feels like he is on thin ice. And then he does the same with the said person. 

 

He can't seem to find the answer...what is secret of long lasting relationships? The couple sitting on the beach, what did they do right? Is it talking about their feelings and not hiding from each other or the opposite? With the busy lives everyone in his life lead, it's so hard to talk, to hope to talk and not have any expectations. He's not understanding himself, how does he expect anyone else to be understanding.

 

So much for not overthinking.

 

There's someone else on the beach other than the couple. 

 

Well two actually.

 

A man with blond hair and beard with a really cute dog. Timmy can't really tell from the distance but the man is definitely  _ tall.  _

 

He isn't sure what pulls him to the man, to go over there...The sunlight slowly pouring from his direction or the same way the man’s looking at the couple on his far right.

 


	2. The wavvess on the beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Timmy meets armie.

The wind blowing in his hair(so long now, what should he do about it?), the sand inside his shoes kissing his socks, the sweat beads at his forehead and neck slowly drying out, archie tired from running around panting at his feet, the sun coming up the horizon and the old couple engrossed in each other.

 

Armie doesn't notice Timmy coming.

 

Archie is by his side. Armie is just pressing the hook in his collar when he feels someone coming up beside him. He pats Archie and looks over.

 

Dark brown curls with a bit of sunshine and warmth in them. Tall and thin like the lamp post on the beach with the soft glow.

Cozy pink sweatshirt not quite mixing with the beach pallette.

_Caramel. Champagne. Sandy tan. Beau blue. Pink. Pick the odd one out._

 

“Hey you!”

 

Armie should be used to it. Archie gets all the attention all the time.

 

The boy is talking to archie who excitedly laps towards him.

 

“I am sorry! You're dog is so cute, I really wanted to pet him.” The lamppost has a nice deep voice.

 

“No no. It's fine, archie loves it obviously.”

 

“Well, archie you're a really good boy!”

 

The boy raises his head from the onslaught of Archie's tongue and looks over his side to the old couple who armie knows so well.

 

“They always sit over there till the beach gets crowded with health junkies.” Armie explains.

 

“Are you saying you're not a health junkie?” The lamppost is cheeky.

 

“Well. Yes and no. I come here to walk my hyper dog and maybe enjoy the sunrise. And to jog a bit.”

 

“Yeah, the sunrise is nice.” The boy hesitates but then adds,“it's really peaceful here...I get to enjoy the breeze, the view and the waves. And get to forget about my problems.” the last sentence added a bit hurriedly.

 

_And the wavvess._

 

Armie loves the way the stranger talks. The way he hangs around some words and changes his pitch like the _wavvess_ on the beach.

 

“When I was your age,I would drown my sorrows in liquor.” Armies guesses the stranger is young, hopefully in college.

 

“Yeah.” The stranger adds,” but drinking alone is kinda...umm...lonely?”

 

“So is walking alone on a beach.”

 

“Is it though? I am talking to you”

 

“That you are.” Armie pauses and then continues while looking at the gentle _wavvess_ , “if you hadn't found anyone, were you going to talk to the breeze, the waves?”

 

The stranger smiles, bites his lips and says, “No I didn't really had anything in mind. I wasn't exactly looking to talk to someone...I mean…”

 

Armie takes pity on him. Stops with the constant teasing. _Why is he teasing?_

“ _whatever it is you're seeking won't come in the form you're expecting”_

 

“Is that a quote?”. He asks armie looking wide eyed. Armie is suddenly aware of the stranger's beautiful green eyes shining due to the sunlight slowly creeping up on his face.

 

“Yeah. It's from haruki murakami.” _You're seeking answers from the universe. The sea, the breeze, the sand, the old couple engrossed amongst each other. You'll find your answers somewhere else, in someone else._

 

The conversation halts.

Both of them are still standing hoping that the other would say more.

 

The boy. The stranger. The lamppost with the soft green glow. With the cozy pink sweatshirt.

He's looking at the sand at his feet, mindlessly digging a hole in them.

“The couple over there. It's so early. Are they always here? Isn't it supposed to be health junkies only?”

 

“Hmm. That's Margaret and Joe for you. They live nearby and they're always here in the mornings. They are a bit chatty actually, always happy to talk to strangers. They like to boast about their grandson who participated in paralympics last year, always ready with a news clipping. Now they have a granddaughter on the way, they would shove everyone's face with the baby's pics.” Armie explains.

 

Armie looks at the stranger closely. Sleep deprived eyes. Bed hair. Rumpled clothes. They're walking now.

 

“Rough night?” Armie asks.

 

“Yeah, couldn't sleep.” As always he hesitates then adds,”My girlfriend broke up with me. No like... we're on a break. Whatever that means.”

 

“How long were you two together?” Armie hopes he's not being nosy.

 

“Two years.”

 

“Hmm. I went to the spa when I got divorced. Came back shiny and moisturized. Then slept for a whole day and didn't shower for the next two. When I broke up with my girlfriend in college, I shaved my head just before an interview for an ad for a hair product! ”

Armie hears a guffaw. It's one of the weirdest sound he's ever heard.

 

“Yeah man. Breakups are hard.”

 

“Well you get through it. Like everything.

Over the years I have seen creative ways of getting over a breakup or trying to break up with someone. And that comprehensive list is mostly contributed by myself.”

 

“I don't know much about breakups and relationships. I do know heartache. My school years were miserable. I was a loud kid in high school, I used to do everything to get some attention. I do have one or two embarrassing stories to tell … like when I made a rap video for my statistics class”. He chuckled at the memory.

 

“Well I dyed my hair blue when I was young so…”

 

The stranger is smiling, occasionally looking up at him. Armie feels like he has accomplished something. He can't keep the smile off his face too. The beach is getting crowded now. The sunlight pouring in on the sand and the _wavvess._

 

“Well I should be going now”

“Oh. Yeah sure.” He can't hide the disappointment in his voice.

“I just...I am so tired, I don't wanna fall asleep while driving.”

“I can drive you wherever.” Oh god he's pushing it now, isn't he?

“No really it's alright!” He's already moving away. “it was nice meeting you.”

 

Armie watches the boy leave.

Then suddenly.

“Umm...what's your name?” He's shouting from a distance.

“Armie!”

The boy smiles. It's an unusual name.

 

“Timmy!”.

He turns and leaves finally.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!  
> This was difficult to write and I am not satisfied with it.  
> Also I didn't want them to flirt, I don't know why they're kind of flirting ;-)  
> 


	3. Break or no break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saoirse and her wisdom and her infinite softness.

Timmy wakes up to the sound of his phone ringing. Incessantly.

He's spread out on his bedsheet. The sunlight peeking from the curtains can't help him determine the time. He's sheets feel too soft. He would have gone back to sleep and kept dreaming this new hazy dream.

In his dream, he's taking a bus back home from school (how old is he? He can't figure it out). He has his eyes closed. Soft soft light dance across his face. His eyes are closed but he sees red, blue but mostly red dipped in black. The moment he opens his eyes he's in his room. The room he spent all his childhood in. He walks around his bed and goes automatically to the tank where he keeps his turtle urdle.

_Turtle urdle. Purple nurple._

The tank has a small beach shore on the right while almost all of it is filled with water. It's nice for a little turtle. timmys's urdle. Except urdle is no where found. In its place, a Ken doll with blue hair is running on the tiny beach shore.

He's brought back to reality with yet another chain of calls. Who is calling honestly? Isnt it the weekend? Who gives a fuck.

He picks up the phone and sees Saoirse's missed calls. He knows she’ll grill him alive. He remembers now that they were supposed to meet. He also checks the time (2 o'clock in the afternoon) and is glad really that he's girlfriend (ex-girlfriend?) decided to break up with him (are they on a break?) On the weekend. So no need to get ready for rehearsals for his play or some audition.

But he's hungry now and he has to face Saoirse. Fuck him really.

 

\--------------

He's wearing a green plaid shirt and his usual pants in socks. He didn't bother to shower cause he's already running late. He called Saoirse and apologized. He's on his way to meet her for a very late lunch.

While driving his mind drifts to the man. No. Armie. Then it drifts to Cathy and then again to Armie and what he said. He made it sound so easy. No. He made Timmy realise that things happen, you fight, you go on a break(break up?), you lose your shit and your emotions go haywire. And it happens too many times. Continuously. Maybe the perfect couple on the beach is not perfect. Perfect couples don't exist period.

You make a fool of yourself, you put yourself out there, you do crazy stuff to get over someone and then some. And then when it's all over, you are the one who decides how it affects you. You can let it take over you or you can think of it as a small thing in the grand scheme of things. Something that you can laugh at when you get older. Quiet comfort and intimacy is so overrated (right?)

Timmy isn't sure where his train of thoughts Is going honestly.

He decides to call Cathy tonight.

\--------------

“You look like shit”

Saoirse with her barely there pony tail in already on his tail.

She looks nice. Showered.

“Yeah, well...Cathy broke up with me. No, we're on a break.”

Is he trying to gain sympathy? Why is it the first thing that came out of his mouth?

Saoirse reacts in that exact way he thought she would.

“What the fuck. She did what?!”

Maybe he wanted her to be angry for him. He's too tired to be angry. And he can't be angry, now that he has decided to call her and tell her that he doesn't want a break (right?)

“Last night. I don't know, we had a fight and then she said she wanted a break. I couldn't sleep at all that's why I was late. I was sleeping.”

“Oh you poor baby!”

Thank God she doesn't ask what was he doing after. What he did when he couldn't sleep. He doesn't really want to talk all about it with her. Not yet.

“Well why did she want a break? Did you want a break too?” Saoirse enquiries him very gently. In a kind teacher voice who's asking a sad student with blue hair, “well why did you dye your hair blue?”

“I don't know. I guess there's a lot going on and she's not present for me and I am kinda of giving her the silent treatment”

God it's so simple when put together. Why couldn't he find words before. Why was he overthinking every aspect.

“Timmy, I hate that about you!”

“Jeez thanks”

“No. Like...you always do this. I am not saying it's all your fault. But you're my best friend and I need to set you right. You are sometimes so amazing at words specially when you're talking about your work and you have such insight but ... you're so bad at expressing yourself and asserting yourself in front of others.”

It's nothing new. Timmy has heard it before, knows it himself but he always _always_  feels like he's been punched with this new information about himself. More like he's surprised and annoyed at himself that he's still the same as before. Same Timmy with the same issues.

“I didn't want to go on a break…”

“And let me guess, you didn't say so”

Timmy sighs.

“Well I am going to talk to her tonight. I am going to say what I feel and tell her that I don't want this break.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yeah! Saoirse I am an adult. I can take care of myself and can talk about what I want. Thankyouverymuch.”

Saoirse looks at Timmy sympathetically. She's loud and brash but infinitely soft with Tim. She's been his best friend since they starred in a play together some years ago and found their footing in this acting industry. She'll have his back he knows.

“No. Timmy, I mean do you want to go back together? Are you sure it's the right call?”

“Yeah I…”

Timmy shakes his curls in front of his face so Saoirse can't see him. It's a simple genuine question. The answer he was sure of. The answer he couldn't quite give.

 

No.

He's not sure.

 


	4. Only the surface for now

His thighs are trembling. There's a sheen of sweat on his neck and back. He's panting heavily. He loves this feeling.

 

Armie is running on the beach while archie follows him.

 

_ So screw me if I am a health junkie. _

 

It's been a week. He can't get the stranger out of his mind. Soft green eyes. Chestnut curls. That cute little laugh and silvery low voice. He wishes to see him again but he's not an idiot. The stranger. Timmy. Suddenly appeared on the beach that day and never returned. He was having a hard time and was just wandering around. He wasn't planning on coming here anytime soon, specially so early. He won't ever see him again. Armie tells himself repeatedly.

 

Armie hates that thought. He keeps hoping and daydreaming of meeting Timmy again. They shared a short brief moment together but Armie's already infatuated. So he keeps sulking and life goes on. He goes to work at the radio station(he's a radio jockey. His voice and ability to spew bullshit has landed him a job he actually likes) and comes back to an empty home with no-one(even archie is not excited to see him, he just wants to play but Armie's not up for it) waiting and nothing to do. He reads and then goes to sleep very early in the night. He then wakes up early to go for a morning run with archie.

 

His divorce happened a year ago and he can positively say that single life sucks. Marriage is a big step but he'd rather be married and miserable than single and lonely(alright he doesn't really mean that. He'll be married if he meant that 100%). Liz was not the one who suggested  a divorce. It was Armie. It became too suffocating for him, to pretend that they were a perfect couple living the American dream while having these deep rooted issues. To see Liz being the worst version of herself in their marriage, to lose himself for the sake of others.

 

He's lost in his thoughts when he hears archie barking. He stops running to see where archie has gone off to.

 

There he is.

 

Timmy.

 

\-----------

 

Timmy is welcomed by a cool breeze, velvety sand, profound and rhythmic waves, a dark sky tinged with gold in a corner and a carefree overexcited dog.

 

He was rejected from an audition he went to yesterday. He talked to Saoirse, he talked to mama, he talked to Pauline. Somehow it's not enough. He knows those ladies love him and treat him preciously, the reason why he can't believe them when they say that he's good and worthy of the best roles. 

 

And he hasn't had the courage to talk to Cathy. 

 

He looks up to see Armie coming towards them. And suddenly they're inside a bubble. Timmy feels like he's stepped into some other realm. This parallel universe where time has no meaning, the waves and breeze play their part much about the same way the other people seen on the beach do. They are props to this play. Just projections in this vivid dream.

 

Timmy gulps.

 

“Hey.” Armie replies softly.

 

“Hey.” Timmy replies more softly if that was possible.

 

Timmy doesn't know the man but  _ recognises _ him. Whatever that means.

 

“You're here again” 

 

Timmy nods dumbly. Thinks to himself, “is he my guardian angel? Am I dreaming? I can't possibly wake up this early. Is this really happening?”

 

“What trouble lead you here?”

 

Timmy smiles instantly relieved,” what? can't I come here to jog?” 

 

“No you can't”

 

“Why the hell not?” His voice automatically gets high when he's in the teasing mode. Only a small part of him thinks Armie's not joking.

 

“Well. I am the keeper of this shore and everyone hoping to enter this area must pass me and tell me their stories. You have to entertain me you see.”

 

Timmy can see a flicker of doubt come cross the man's face. He shouldn't really, Timmy will probably blurt out every precious secret he's kept without any prompt from the man.

 

“Well I'll tell you but no guarantees that you won't be bored”. Armie sits down, patting the ground next to him. So Timmy sits down.

 

“I think you'll make this ordinary morning some out interesting”. 

 

Timmy has to look down to hide his smile. He scratches his neck and tries to swallow the happiness slowly bubbling up from within. He looks at the sunrise, avoids looking at armie and says.

 

“Well the keeper of the shore, I'll tell you a uneventful and uninteresting story of a boy. Hint, it's me.”, Timmy laughs his self conscious laugh and continues,”umm...there was a boy who loved acting, dancing and photography. He chose his passion for life. He knew he wanted to dedicate his life to the stage, to act and to breath in the different characters he played. He wasn't the golden boy in terms of looks...” Shit. He's feeling a little overwhelmed. He looks over at Armie and sees him looking at his own hands. The next moment Armie looks up and smiles at timmy. He continues,“his mind was heady with expectations and disappointments. Sometimes he thought he couldn't act, did mostly overacting. Sometimes he would blame his looks for his failure though he knew it couldn't be true always. And then also his partner had left him...so he's a Debby Downer who likes to frequent the beach in the morning. You know the healthy way of coping instead of being blackout drunk.”

 

Now Armie's fully smiling. Timmy notices sharp canines on both side of his mouth. White pearly teeth. Deep craters on the side. Crinkles around his eyes. Golden hair curling around the nape of his neck.

 

_ Is he a vampire? _

 

“Well you're a good storyteller.”

 

Psst! As if.

Timmy says that loudly. 

 

“No. I mean it. The way your voice goes like...like diving in water. One time you're diving in the deep end holding attention and then you're at the surface, keeping it light.” Armie continues to tell him looking straight in the eye,“i find it hard to believe that you're not a good actor. The way you do things and the way you say them, I can imagine you on stage stealing the limelight. And do know that by praising you I get nothing.”

 

For the first time in a while, Timmy finds himself blushing. He does his best to hide it but it's evident on his cheek, neck and ears.

 

From then on they talk. They talk past the early morning and keep talking in a shed to fend off the heat and sunlight. Timmy gets to know more about armie. What does he do(“yeah your voice is umm...yeah radio jockey fits you”). What's his name actually (“Man what kind of name is Armand!”). What's his favourite book(“yeah 1984 is sick man”). What's his favourite movie(“ooh fight club! mine is eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind”).

 

They're eating scones in a bakery now. Armie's treat(“you can return the favour the next time you come”). Archie is happy at their feet already been fed twice.

 

“These are good.” Timmy says with a mouthful.

 

Armie can't stop looking at him like he's the most precious idiot ever.

 

“Well I am glad. You can try the cupcakes too. They are great.”

 

Now Timmy returns the favour.

 

“Yeah next time.”

 

“Tomorrow?”

 

“Tomorrow.”

  
  



	5. Friends and lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet outside of their bubble. What is Armie to Timmy?

“No, listen”

“Timmy that's platonic cheating ---”

“Saoirse!”

“---specially when you have decided to be back with Cathy, well whatever giving each other space means….but like the beach thing and all that... it's kinda romantic and shit.”

“No no no I am not thinking about him like that.”

“Sure.”

“No, you don't understand this guy is like...like old...older”

“Uh huh”

“Yeah, I mean he's probably like in his mid 30s and I know for a fact that he was married”. Timmy feels guilty right there. He's spewing shit to save himself. 

“woah”

“Heyyy! Don't judge.” he is pathetic really. And a hypocrite.

“I am not judging pony. You too just seem like an unusual pair.”

“Yeah I know. But like he gets me. And we do have things in common. And I don't know…”

“Hmm well I'll let you off the hook for now but I expect more information”

He sighs a breath of relief. Saoirse found out about his recent rendezvous(well it's been a month). He's easy to read and he can't lie for shit. He had been declining some late night parties and mid night snack haul just so he could get up early in the morning to drive and meet up Armie. He's crazy, isn't he?

Saoirse tends to get nosy and protective (see : judgmental) with any of his new friends or girlfriends/boyfriends and he gets very panicky when confronted. He has to find a way to avoid talking about Armie and whatever conversation he shares with him. He feels like an asshole for hiding his friendship with Armie but it's his safe haven for now. 

The thought about the situation being romantic revolves in his head for a bit.  
“No way... that's romanticizing the situation.”

“Whatever pony. Now can we please go to the supermarket. I need Gatorade in my system ASAP.”

\----------

“God Timmy stop with the chips” 

“Serse please live a little and it's not like I'll gain anything from all this junk”

“It's unhealthy too you know but sure go ahead…”

Timmy stops listening to her because he spots a 6’5 giant with long hair, items ready for checkout.

It's a surreal moment. He really thought that the moments he spent with Armie were part of some parallel life. Somewhere dream like. He just looks at him and he isn't sure whether to stop Armie or not. To break this precious bubble where only the two of them exist.

So Saoirse makes the decision for him.

“Timmy to earth, earth to Timmy” she loudly exclaims.

Armie turns around looking for the source of the sound. You know when you hear somebody's name in public and logically you know that it's not that someone you want to see right now but you still can't help it. So he turns around and sees timmy staring back at him. He can't help but break into a brilliant smile, like a flower blossoms inside him ready to break free. He takes small steps towards his object of affection, that someone he's always trying to find in a crowd. That mess of curls, freckles scattered across the face like constellations in the sky and those green green green eyes.

“Hey” 

Armie can just come up with a single word right now. He feels breathless. Timmy has too many thoughts going through his head all he managed to do is stare and gape.

So They state at each other for a while before Saoirse breaks the silence with her cough.

“Hey! Armie, wow … I didn't expect to see you here”

“What, at a grocery shop?” Armie says with an easy smile.

“No! I mean... not that...just..”

Timmy can't stop rambling while Armie openly stares with adoration.

“It's fine! It's fine! I am only teasing”.

Timmy can't help but flush.  
Armie being the sane person he is, introduces himself to Saoirse.

“Saoirse, pleasure to meet you”

“Saoirse like inertia”

Saoirse laughs. She looks very pleased, Timmy notices.

“The pleasure's mine”  
Timmy doesn't like that tone.

“Well, I have some Gatorade and snacks...want to hangout outside?”, Armie offers hoping to spend some more time.  
Timmy notices how young he sounds. He also feels like Armie is smiling more than usual. A different kinda smile. There are sides to Armie that he hasn't seen before. He doesn't want to share these other versions of Armie, doesn't want to feel left out.

“Yeah sure! We have chips.” Saoirse says.  
Honestly he hates Saoirse.

\-------

They are sitting outside with Armie in between Saoirse and Timmy. Armie and Saoirse are talking with Timmy occasionally nodding and adding a few words to the conversation. He doesn't really know how he landed in this situation. He's hanging out with Armie and Saoirse.

He's silent. He just can't help it.

He takes his time in observing Armie. Timmy is suddenly aware of how close they are sitting together, even when they aren't touching. He realises that out of all the times they have met, they've never really touched. He looks at Armies hair and beard and has the sudden urge to dive his hands into them. To touch the soft fabric of his shirt.

“Timmy what do you think?”, Armie asks suddenly.

Now both of them are looking at him and he doesn't know what to say. He wasn't exactly following the conversation.

“Ummm...well yeah...I don't know”  
He mentally slaps himself.

Armie looks worried.

But Saoirse's looking at him with amusement in her eyes.  
“Well I am going to get myself some beer from the store. boys, do you want one?”

“No it's ok”

“Alright, Timmy I'll get you one”

Saoirse leaves them and he can feel the awkward silence settling in.

“I am sorry, I shouldn't have invited you guys”

Shit.  
Timmy feels horrible now.

“No no no...I don't... please don't feel guilty, I do wanna hangout with you. I just don't know how, specially with others here. I mean...I would be happy to see you here. It would have been better if Saoirse wasn't here”.

Armie looks down, smiles bitterly and looks Timmy in the eyes.

“You don't want me to meet your friends”.

Fuck.  
Timmy is an idiot.

Without thinking much he utters.  
“I don't want to share you with my friends”.

Armie looks at him with something in his eyes that he can't recognise.  
He can't look away.  
He's realising all over again that they're sitting too close for comfort. That he's feeling too much too soon. He blurts out.

“I got back with Cathy”

Armie's face hardens. The blue of his eyes change colour. From the calm and playful to cold and icy. Timmy is a master in studying faces but he also has a fucking PhD in denial.

“That's good news.”

“Yeah…” Timmy looks at the direction of the store, hopes Saoirse comes soon and saves him. Timmy's prayers are not answered.

“So you didn't come to the beach this week.”

Shit.

Timmy is not an early morning kinda guy, so he obviously didn't meet Armie daily. And that's more than okay but this past week he just couldn't get the time. He was busy with patching things up with Cathy. He couldn't just let go of their two year relationship. He was planning on coming tomorrow when Saoirse caught him and asked him to spill the tea.

Also Armie has Timmy's number but not vice versa and he never asks when timmy doesn't come to the beach. Timmy has this weird urge to keep this relationship secluded from his real life.

“I was busy with cathy.” He looks down as he says so playing with his bracelet. Something bitter dissolves in his mouth.

“Hmm. I see. Well it's hard to get time from a relationship. My bastard friend Nick just cancelled on me today so I wandered around and got to do some grocery.”

Arghh what luck.

Saoirse finally comes back but sees the boys being miserable and awkward.

“I brought beer”

“Well, you guys enjoy it's my cue to leave”

“Oh no so soon.” Why is Saoirse becoming so overly familiar with Armie? Timmy feels the bitter thing in his mouth spreading to his insides.

“Yeah. I have to wake up early for my morning run so…”

“Oh yeah sure. It was nice to meet you!”

“You too. Later!” He says to both of them.

“Bye!” Timmy barely gets a word out and he can't recognise his voice.

“What the hell happened!” Saoirse exclaims after Armie is gone.

Timmy can't wait to go back to his bed and sleep for a fucking year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some faith in Timmy he'll get his shit sorted


	6. Cherished

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Timmy makes amends.

He wishes things were not this complicated. He wishes  _ he _ didn't make them this complicated. 

 

Last night he couldn't figure out why Armie left as he did. Was he upset that Timmy didn't want to be seen with his friends? Yes. Was he upset that timmy wasn't coming to their spot for the past week? Yes. Was he upset about the topic of Cathy? He's not sure and he doesn't understand  _ why  _ armie would be upset. The strange attraction Timmy felt last night was only one sided and was gone in a second or so Timmy tells himself.

 

So he tries to sleep and sets an alarm to wake up in the morning. He has to mend things, he can't stand being awkward with armie.

 

\-----------

 

He can't find Armie.

Fuck.

 

He's trying to look for the familiar golden locks but he can't find him.

Did Armie decide not to come? He's a regular so it is weird. Maybe he is sick, maybe he's skipping. Maybe he's avoiding timmy.

 

Then he sees archie standing next to a crouching man. The man with the shaved head. Timmy looks closely. It can't be...it's been literally less than 12 hours.

 

“Armie?”

 

“Tim. Hey”

 

He can't help but stare like an idiot. Armie looks good... hot if he's being honest. Really young. All he's features are somehow more accentuated. He can see how long his eye lashes are and the shadows they cast on his face. His blue blue eyes. His strong nose and his full lips. The stubble absolutely adding to the look. He doesn't understand how he can work the shaved head.

 

“Why did you shave your head?”

 

“I didn't like my hair before so I was like fuck it and shaved it all.” Armie is being dismissal. Timmy hates that. He doesn't know how to talk to him.

 

“Well. It looks good on you.”

 

Armie scratches his stubble, doesn't look at him and says, “thanks”. Timmy can't handle it anymore. Being with Armie has always been easy and now it's awkward and uncomfortable. He tries to be honest.

 

“I missed you.” That gets Armie's full attention. Timmy continues, “I am sorry I haven't been coming here and I am sorry I was kinda rude to you last night I don't know how to share you with others. I am being selfish and weird in the sense that I want to cherish our friendship and protect it from...I don't know, i guess real life? And the thing with Cathy…” Timmy pauses and thinks what he wants to say, “i been with her for more than two years, it's hard for me to just not be together anymore. And I tried, we both did to work out things this past week”

 

Armie is silently nodding while picking at his ring, thumbing his tattoo.

 

“I met Cathy at a bookstore. I was reading wuthering heights and then came Cathy saying to a random ass stranger that she hates the book and she absolutely hates that she shares the name with Heathcliff's lover Catherine or Cathy... I remember this story really clearly but she doesn't.”

 

He looks at Armie and is glad when Armie decides to speak to him properly.

 

“I met my ex wife in an acting class. She would give up acting in a few years like I would. She was so fierce, she turned me down like ten times and I was an idiot who thought being romantic was enough to get me a date with her. And ironically our first date was in a sex shop. I don't know how we ended there honestly. She found it funny though.”

 

“Man. You're too much.” Timmy can't stop laughing. 

 

“Well yeah...I was too much and she was too much. Now that I think we weren't that compatible and we shouldn't have married each other. Timmy I can't tell you how bad it had gotten and we still pretended that everything was ok. Specially Liz, she couldn't be anything other than perfect and you know me, I am a mess.”

 

“Armie. You're not a mess.” Timmy tries to keep his voice stern.

 

“Yeah? you think so? Well look at my shaved head right now. Perfect example of my impulsive nature.”

 

“Well I still don't understand why you did it but I know for sure that you're not a mess. Yeah you're impulsive and sometimes stubborn but you're so much more…” Timmy shakes his head and adds more softly, “Armie you're so much more than your flaws. You're kind and giving. You like taking care of others and you're so intelligent. You are always ready to learn from others, from their experiences. And to be honest I am intimidated by how you talk. You know so much and you present it so well and you never belittle me.”

 

Timmy has left armie speechless. 

 

He can see the color of his face and neck change drastically. He's bright red. The lapping of the waves on the shore, the crunching of the sand by the passerby, the whistle of the wind, the low hum coming from archie. All sounds are drowned by Armie's heartbeat.

 

With voice deeper than usual, Armie speaks, “ thank you. I don't know what I did to deserve that. But ...thank you.”

 

They finally fall into a silence but not the awkward uncomfortable one. They're content with knowing what the other feels, knowing they're cherished and understood. They sit with each other side by side facing the waves and the morning sky, bathed in twilight colors. They resemble the quiet comfort and intimacy that timmy liked to see in the old couple.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I couldn't just leave things like that. I had to finish this chapter fast. Hope you liked it!


	7. Not enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They break up.

The room is silent except for the sound of the clock on the wall to their right, the fan on the ceiling which Timmy fixed just two months ago and the cars outside on the street.

 

_ Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock _

_ Whir.Whir.Whir.Whir _

 

“So when you were going to tell me?”

 

“Timmy please I can explain”

 

“Then explain!” Timmy shouts. 

 

Cathy is crying now, he feels like an asshole. But he doesn't let the feeling takeover, doesn't want to be anything but angry. They've been going at each other for the past hour. The silence only momentary. To take a breath, to gather their thoughts, to spit more fire, to shift the blame and to be more angry.

 

“You obviously don't give a shit about this wedding and my family. And you don't want to move in with me!” 

 

“That's what you think. And don't tell me, you decided to bring someone as your date to the wedding to get back at me!”

 

“I didn't do shit. Matt is a family friend and you and I were on a break. I just didn't want to be the pathetic sister without a date.”

 

“Cathy I am not stupid. You're rushing everything. You're so obsessed with this wedding like it's yours. You wanted the perfect date and you didn't want it to be me!” Timmy realises they've never fought like this. 

 

“So what! I didn't want it to be you. You don't take this relationship seriously anyways. You don't think of our future and you're struggling with everything.” Timmy notices how she doesn't say the word “career”. “And we were on a break. A fucking break. I didn't cheat on you!”

 

“God! When did you become like this? Are we even on the same page anymore? we're not even 25, why the fuck would I think of weddings and marriages and so called future. I take this relationship very seriously but I am not going to become someone you and your family approves. And I am going to take my fucking time to get what I want, to become who I want to be. And If you're not going to be there with me, so be it!”

 

“Fine! I am done with you. It will be easier now. I can actually have a relationship and a future!”

 

Cathy storms out of his apartment slamming the door on her way. 

 

_ Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock _

_ Whir.Whir.Whir.Whir _

 

Long after she's gone, long after replaying the whole fight, reenacting every word, Timmy realises that maybe, just maybe Cathy didn't want to break up because Timmy wasn't enough. Maybe because  _ she _ wasn't enough for herself.

  
  


\-------

 

He's drunk.

He's sipping from a cup of ...god knows what.

A tall lanky girl is by his side, flirting with him. She has bleach blonde hair and an arm full of tattoos. 

 

He spots Ansel in the crowd. He makes a shitty excuse to get another drink and follows Ansel in the crowd.

 

“Hey man!”

 

“Heyyy Timmy Tim!”

 

“Man, thanks for inviting me.”

 

“thanks for coming bro. You alright though?”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Smashing.”

 

“Now that I am in town, I am gonna see your play.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah that would be great.” he's always been jealous of Ansel, the tall, muscular and handsome guy. The guy who has the charms and the looks to make it in Hollywood. Ansel got the lead in movies while timmy got to play the extra. 

Timmy has theatre and he should be happy with it but sometimes he can hear a voice saying, “you're not enough, you're a failure”. Sometimes that voice is his, sometimes it's Cathy's.

 

“Well I am gonna head out I think. I've had enough drinks, I am just gonna get a cab and head home.”

 

“Yeah. That would be good, I can drive you…”

 

“No. No. No. Just ...enjoy the party I'll be fine.”

 

“Alright if you say so...well take care buddy.”

 

Ansel has never been anything but kind to him. He is more so disappointed in himself. He sees himself out.

 

The streets are never empty in New York but there's not much traffic at this time. He's swaying while standing. He's not that drunk anymore, the wind sobers him at a bit. He's waiting for his uber to arrive. There's a puddle of water on the ground. He sees his reflection in the water with the street lights looking like smudged golden orbs. 

 

His phone chimes. He clicks on the new messages from an unknown number.

 

_ Hey Tim! It's Armie. Don't think I gave you this number. _

_ How are you? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I hate this chapter. But atleast timmy is done with the relationship turmoil.   
> And sorry for the lack of Armie, he'll be back in the next chapter.


	8. Gold and amber

For the past two weeks Timmy has been going through the motion. The play wrapped up tonight and he has nothing to do. He has no plans. 

 

It's late at night and he's going back to his apartment. 

He's riding the subway with headphones on.

 

_ I'm so tired of love songs, tired of love songs _ __   
_ Tired of love songs, tired of love _ __   
_ Just wanna go home, wanna go home _ _   
_ __ Wanna go home, whoa

 

He closes his eyes for the rest of the song. When he opens them, his eyes meet the harsh white light of the subway. He looks around and finds only three other people. 

He would have liked some crowd in the subway.

 

He gets off the subway at his station. He's exhausted and he knows sleep won't come easily. He likes to stare at the ceiling and overthink. No distraction is enough. He reaches his apartment and is suddenly dreading going inside. He sits on the stairs and checks his phone.

 

No new text.

 

Funny how he wants someone to reach him when he is ignoring everyone. It's exhausting to hold conversation with anyone. It feels like he'll be stuck in this  _ limbo _ forever, never moving forward. 

 

He texts Armie.

 

_ T : hey! _

 

The reply comes immediately.

 

_ A : so you remember me. _

 

Timmy can feel a small smile tug on his lips.

 

_ T : Yeah, Britney I remember you. _

_ A : *rolls eyes* _

_ T : how can you pass the opportunity to say the most iconic line. _

_ A : ? _

_ T : it's Britney bitch! _

_ A : okay bitch. Can we move on. _

_ T : yeah ok. Where are you right now? _

 

He really doesn't wanna be alone right now. He could call Saoirse or any of his other friends but he can't stand the pity and worry in their eyes.

 

_ A : At home. Why? You wanna meet? _

_ T : I mean... yeah. If you're not doing anything or like not tired or something. _

 

Timmy cringes. Good he's so stupid and awkward. 

 

_ A : yeah I can hang, why not. Tell me where. _

 

Fuck. That was easy. He can feel his heart beating faster, his stomach in knots. He's suddenly nervous. They've never met outside of their bubble except that time with Saoirse which really was far from ideal. He has to stop before his mind goes into overdrive.

 

_ A : ohhhh. I know a place. Why don't you come to the radio station. _

_ T : … are you working? You said you were at home. _

_ A : No. No I am not working right now. Just trust me ok. I'll send you the address. When you reach there just call me. _

 

Timmy takes a deep breath.

In and out.

Calls Armie when he reaches the building.

 

“Hey Timmy! Are you here?”

“Um yeah. Are you?”

“Yeah. Just look at your right.”

 

Timmy looks. There he is. Fucking gorgeous bastard. Standing tall in a short sweater which barely reaches his wrist and wearing tight  _ tight  _ pants. Fucking smiling with those damned dimples. 

 

Did he see me being antsy? Was he laughing at me?

 

No. Armie would never.

He's just being paranoid. 

 

“Hey” Timmy wants to smush his face in Armie's chest. Wants to drag his nose along his neck and that lovely scruff he's got going. Wants wants and wants.

 

He's made peace with the fact that he is attracted to Armie.

 

“Hey. Now that you're here. I wanna show you my spot”

 

Timmy makes that face when he's confused. His eyebrows scrunched up, his lower lip popped out and his eyes looking at the ground as if it would have some answer.

 

“Haha. Come on I'll show you.”

 

Armie takes him to the top floor. Then he suddenly takes Timmy's hand.

 

Fuck.

 

His mind shuts off. He can't focus anywhere except their hands, Armie's big hands holding Timmy's. He's being dragged to God knows where.

 

Armie stops at a door. He pushes it and they're at a stairwell leading upto another door. Armie guides timmy up and holds the door open for Timmy. He sees cushions and pillows lined up close to the railing of a balcony facing the new york skyline. The view is something else. He's born and brought up in New York but it still takes his breath away, makes him feel small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. 

 

The buildings around are much smaller than the one they're in so they don't obscure the view. Against the dark night, it looks so beautiful. The City lit with golden lights, the city of gold and amber. The cool breeze playfully brushes Timmy's curls. He couldn't be anymore happier. 

 

“It's not the empire state but you know”

 

“Hmm. It's not bad. It's not bad.” 

 

Timmy is leaning on the railings, Armie joins him. Timmy can't keep the smile off of his face. He can't look at armie either.

 

“I love this Armie.” Timmy whispers against the sound of the wind. His voice deep and gravelly.

 

“Hmm.”

 

Timmy has to touch him. He wants to be wrapped in Armie's voice, wants to be burnt by his touch and then soothed by the cold night air. He turns to look solely at Armie's hands, slowly moves his own hands over Armie's, from his knuckles to his biceps, feeling the hair rise up. He hears him gulps. Armie places his own hands on his tiny waist and pulls him closer. Closer and closer.

 

He leans up and Armie leans down.

 

Tilting their heads slowly...oh so slowly.

 

Armie moves his hands from Timmy's waist to his neck, playing with the hair a bit. Timmy's eyes are closed now...he's waiting, waiting and waiting. 

 

He's ready to beg when Armie plants his lips on Timmy's.

 

He sees stars behind his eyelids.

 

Gold and amber against the stark black.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So they kissed. Hope you liked it.


	9. Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Timmy really wants to sleep.

The sun was warm on his face, his skin being lit up with this candescence. He loved this feeling, loved sitting outside in the sun. Closing his eyes for a second and seeing stars behind his eyelids, red dancing across the black curtain. Sleep overcame him, he wanted to rush out of the cafe, go to armie’s apartment and bedroom and wait for him there, in his intoxicating scent. They were going slow but cuddle was a thing timmy would never let pass.

 

“Timmy, are you really sleeping on me?” Saoirse had just arrived a few minutes ago. She wasn’t in the best of modes.

 

“Sorry, I zoned out”

 

“Yeah you do that a lot, its annoying timmy” saoirse all but snapped.

 

“Is Something the matter? You don't act like this always. I bet i am not the thing or person annoying you right now” They both knew each other too well. Timmy also wasn't going to take shit from saoirse(or anyone for that matter) again. He was trying to find his footing, trying to be better at saying no, confronting others and standing up for himself.

 

“Well it’s nothing you can help me with”

 

“Cmon! You can tell me everything”

 

“Not Everything!”

 

“What does that mean? What happened? You’re just making me curious”

 

“Well … fuck. So … I was sitting outside this fancy restaurant with greta. And Like i wasn't wearing a bra… I mean it’s not like i was parading around topless which... really is nobody’s business. Anyway we were talking and this group of white dudes start laughing and whispering to each other. And i ignored them for a while but then … then i heard a click. I turned around to find them clicking pictures of me!”

 

“Fuck! What the hell!” He is so enraged right now. He’s sure his cheeks are an angry red, his nose scrunched up and his eyebrows a perfect unibrow now.

 

“Yeah and like ...i went and grabbed his phone and then put it into his drink. Fuck then i spewed some shit and then poured another drink on the fucker’s head, the one who clicked the photo.”

 

“God serse, you’re so cool”

 

“Tim you don't understand! I would not be worried right now if it was so simple. Lady bird is in cinemas right now and it’s being received so positively. This is my time to shine and i don’t wanna lose it just because some asshole decided to spew shit on his twitter.”

 

“Well, have you talked to your agent?”

 

“Yes. She was more worried but it has been three days and there's nothing on twitter or any other forum or such. I don't know, I am not that big but like this movie is slowly rising and when I do get famous or something I don't want this to come out”

 

“Is that your words or your agent's?”

 

“Don't be too smart.” Saoirse pauses then adds, “she said it but she's right”

 

“Well you did nothing wrong. They were bothering you and they decided to violate your privacy. It's harassment really.”

 

“Yeah...I know. I think I am done talking about this. I won't be worried about stupid shit. Now tell me what's happening in your life? You've been keeping your boyfriend all to yourself”

 

“Arghh oh man. No, I haven't kept him.”  he air quotes on the word “kept”, “you guys are just too annoying and he would think, god are they friends with Timmy?”

 

“Haha. Very funny. I think you should invite him to this party that we're hosting this Saturday”

 

“Ooooh. By we you mean you and greta.”

 

“Fuck off tiny Tim”

 

“Ok. Ok we'll be there” he smiles and thinks of the word, 'we’. Did he really use that? And did he silently accept the fact that they're boyfriends? They haven't discussed their relationship much. Timmy should get on that.

 

“And by the way, congrats on getting the lead role in a Luca Guadagnino movie!”

 

“Man. How do you knooow that.” A smile spreads on his face. His lips stretched, teeth on display, the corner of his eyes getting scrunched up, the green of his iris becoming brighter and brighter by the second.

 

“I am very proud just so you know. You deserve it”

 

“Thankyou” Timmy all but whispers as he looks down.

 

\-----------

 

It's dark inside the apartment. Late evening with the curtains closed.

 

He pulls the curtains so that the light can seep through the room. It's golden hour, the space around him gets lit in pink and orange. The light also falls only on his face and he feels invincible, feels like he is stuck in time, stuck in an indie movie. Waiting for his lover.

 

_ Lover. Boyfriend. Lover  _

 

_ Armie. _

_ Come home. _

 

Home. Lover. How did this happen? Is he getting too comfortable?

 

It's too easy. It was easy kissing Armie, easy exposing himself, easy being vulnerable and easy being himself. He doesn't remember when Armie gave the key to his apartment, doesn't remember when it stopped being a big thing for him, to come to the apartment when Armie wasn't there.

 

The sunlight shifts the longer he waits on the bed. From the ground to the walls, taking the shape of the window frames. It's getting dark but he refuses to switch on the lights.

 

_ Click. _

 

“Hey, I see you're already nestled in there”

 

“Hmm. Been waiting for you.”

 

“Did I made you to wait long?” Armie makes his way towards his bed. The cute fluffy little creature waiting for him.

 

“Nope”

 

“Are you cold?”

 

“Nope”

 

“Well let me just…” he gets into bed and spoons Timmy from the behind. Nuzzles his neck and the soft spot behind his ear. 

 

“I love this armie.” Timmy whispers the words into Armie's mouth.

 

“What? Us you I mean?” 

 

“Yeah…”

 

It's quiet around them. Timmy finally lets himself fall asleep to the rhythmic sound of Armie's heartbeat. His arms wrapped around like a cocoon. He feels safe, happy and  content.

 

Just when he's losing himself to sleep, when only a thread of his consciousness is left. He hears or thinks he hears.

 

“I love this too. I love  _ you _ .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really soft. The softest thing Ive ever written.  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> I dont exactly know how many chapters of this are left but it's reaching its end now and I am itching to start something new. So if any one wants to send prompts, please do.  
> Thanks for reading!


	10. No inhibitions with you baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut? At the beginning.

"So you've been dating someone"

 

"Hmm" Armie picks up his fork and shoves meat in his mouth, chews loudly. He's having lunch with Nick who thinks he's solved this big mystery.

 

"You could have told me." Armie silently nods, takes a sip of the water from his glass.

 

"Who is she or...he?" Nicki is nothing hut persistent. He is his best friend but Armie is hesitant to tell him about Timmy. 

 

"He. His name is Tim, we met at the beach."

 

"In the morning? I mean while you were jogging on the beach?"

 

Armie chuckles at his best friend's expression,"it's not exactly the time or place to pick someone up."

 

"No. Not really" he laughs at Armie, finally picks his own forks and starts eating. 

 

Armie starts digging in on the dessert they ordered, notices Tim's hairband on his wrist. He looks at his own hands, his fingers. They look so debauch, so lewd, just hours before they made Timmy writhe in pleasure.

 

_ He's standing at the end of the bed, looking at Tim, Tim with his hands inside his jeans, shirt thrown somewhere in the direction of the chair, body glistening with sweat. His hair looks jet black, curly strands stuck on his forehead. His cheeks are pink, so are his tiny nipples. The freckles and moles look like constellations in the sky, Armie kisses his favourite one on Tim's lips. He hovers over Tim on all fours, stares at him closely. He can see pupils dilated, mouth open, lips red and bitten, his cute little nose twitching, Timmy is not making eye contact with him.  _

 

_ Armie pushes himself on his knees and tugs at Tim's jeans. Tim's hands stop and he looks up at armie. uhh finally those eyes on me, Armie thinks. _

 

_ "You're so shy baby. You will put on a show for me but won't even look me in the eye?" _

 

_ "Sorry" _

 

_ "Nothing to be sorry about you goose you." _

 

_ He pulls at those baggy jeans till they're pooled at the ankles, Timmy sighs. Armie bends down to press a kiss on the bulge, he finally pulls Tim's boxers. _

 

_ "What do you want, baby?" _

 

_ "Just...just get me off!"  _

 

_ He smirks at Tim, presses a kiss on his forehead and then goes on to kiss his cheeks, lips, neck, chest, his cute little tummy. Tim is squirming uncontrollably, he moans when Armie gets to his thighs. But Armie has some other plans, he tugs at his cock once and then traces his hands somewhere else...in between Tim's small ass.  _

 

_ "Oh! Armie…" _

 

_ "Do you want to? We don't have to fuck...I will just get you off." _

 

_ "Yes. Yes please." _

 

He is pulled back to reality when Nick taps on the table. He looks up wide eyed, then looks down at his  _ situation. _

 

"What...what?"

 

"I said we can go to the movies this Saturday to watch John wick."

 

"Uh. Sure I don't think I have any plans."

 

"Great. Now can you get out of your gutter brain, I can totally see what you're thinking!" 

 

Armie laughs but has the decency to blush.

 

_________

  
  


Timmy misses Armie, now that his play is done and the shoot for his movie starts this summer, he has nothing to do. He went to a few auditions and got some callbacks, he is reading the script thoroughly and researching on the side, aside from all that he has a lot of free time. His friends are busy with work or with their partners and Timmy realises all over again how important it is to have someone that is  _ yours, _ someone that you have the exclusive right over anything - to demand attention, to ask for help, to emotionally support you, to nitpick when nothing goes your way, to fight and then patch up, to forget all inhibitions with this someone.

 

He calls Armie to see if he's back from work, Armie picks up on the third ring.

 

"Hey Tim!"

 

"Hi, Armie are you done with work?"

 

"Yeah. You wanna meet?"

 

"Yeah...I can bring dinner to your apartment?"

 

"Yeah sure babe."

 

_ Babe. Baby. _

It's something new in their relationship but Timmy loves it. Loves being called baby, loves being the little spoon to Armie's big spoon.

 

He buys Chinese food from this restaurant they love, makes his way to Armie's apartment. Armie let's him in with a kiss on the mouth, takes the food and places it on his kitchen counter. 

 

"Let me get the plates and forks …" Armie places everything on the table, they settle on the couch.

 

"Want to watch something."

 

"Yeah. Whatever you want" Tim is very comfortable, too comfortable at times that he worries something will go wrong anytime.

 

"Killing eve?" Tim nods and they dig into the food. Armie tangles his legs with Tim's, his focus shifts from the show to their feet. Tim notices the size difference and the lack of hair on his body as compared to armie, begins to rub Armie's ankles with his feet. Armie sighs but continues to watch the show, Tim smiles and focuses his attention back on the show.

 

"I forgot to tell you... Saoirse invited us to a party on Saturday."

 

Armie looks at him with his eyebrows scrunched up.

 

"Oh is that so."

 

To say Tim is confused by his reaction would be an understatement, he full on panics inside.

 

"Yeah...um do you wanna go?"

 

Armie smiles a smile Tim is not familiar with, he wants to be able to read Armie like a book, something that Armie is capable of doing with Timmy.

 

"Do you want me to go?"

 

Armie has really left Tim speechless, of course he does!

 

"I know know. Just the last time you acted so weird. It's like… you didn't want to be seen with me"

 

"I didn't...I told you...I didn't want to share my time with you with others."

 

"I remember what you said...I just don't think it's that simple. We have an age difference and you look younger than your age. You might not want to be seen with me…plus I am divorced. And I completely understand..."

 

"No. No. Wait!" Tim interrupts him and thinks, thinks hard, " Armie I have been very possessive with you, it has nothing to do with whatever you said. I am not ashamed of you, of us and you shouldn't be either."

 

"Tim, I am not ashamed of us! And it's not like you introduced me to your friends again so I thought.. I just thought"

 

"Ok fine. I am sorry, I am so fucking sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you...wait I meant, I am sorry that I hurt…"

 

"Tim. No I am sorry, I am making things difficult. I was just being insecure."

 

"Ah fuck. We're both sorry. Let's just leave this behind us." Tim finally smiles up at armie. They're hardly done with this conversation but Armie lets it go.

 

"Yeah." Tim's favourite dimples pop out to hi but the very next second he seems apologetic, "And about the party, I am going with Nicki to watch a movie"

 

"Oh. But you can watch the movie before you join the party, it's after 9 pm so I think we can make it together."

 

"Yeah" Armie giggles, "I don't know why I didn't think that"

 

"Maybe you're right. Maybe you're getting old, to do one thing at a time for the whole day." Tim smirks and rubs Armie's upper thighs with his hands. 

 

"Fuck you." Armie takes tim's hands away and starts tickling him on his small couch. He's so happy, he always gets to discover new things about Tim, from him being ticklish to having a cute lisp. He doesn't want the day to end, doesn't want to go to work the next morning to endure more hours away from Tim. When Tim starts snoring in his arms at the end of the episode, Armie whispers in his hair and on his skin, the words that would soon be reflected back to him, words that would become unabated. So familiar but so mysterious, mysterious in the way that they never stop, never stop making Armie feel giddy and content.

 

"I love you."

  
  
  
  
  



	11. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing chapter titles.

"So you're a dj! That's cool man!"

Armie bites his tongue, "No. An RJ as in radio jockey." This is the third time someone has mistaken him for a dj. 

He sees tim from the corner of his eyes, talking to Saoirse. He doesn't mean to ignore the person in front of him but God he's missed Tim. They've both been so clingy in this relationship, it can't possibly be good...so Armie puts his focus back on the conversation.

________

 

"I don't know. I don't think I reacted weirdly." Saoirse encounters.

"I mean...maybe not." 

"She asked me about my earnings for the movie, I just felt uncomfortable with the money talk."

"Woah! Money talk!" Tim laughs at his best friend.

"Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean, I don't feel comfortable discussing money with my partners or anybody really. I think I heard that will and her girlfriend discuss taxes and all and I am ...like wow, I can't do that. I am way too uncomfortable...but I know that I would have to eventually. And the thought just keeps running around in my head...because Greta and I, may move in together."

"Ooh. That's big news!"

"Yeah. Thanks!" She finally smiles.

"Honestly I am thinking about moving in with Armie too, at this point, I am kinda living up there already" he smiles in his cup. 

Saoirse's expression changes, "What? Are you crazy?"

"I mean not exactly right now...maybe after I finish shooting. And it's not like I've talked to him about this." 

"Tim. I...baby, you're being a hypocrite. You broke up with Cathy a few months ago, you said you didn't want to move in with her. But you've suddenly changed your mind…" Tim looks crestfallen, Saoirse changes her tone, "You know I love you...I am just calling you out on your bullshit. Sorry, sometimes I am very brash about things."

"No. You're right. I don't know what I am thinking…"

"Well don't overthink about it now. C'mon let's get you another drink" they go to the makeshift bar.

A hand sneaks up on his waist, soft lips press a kiss on his cheeks. 

"Hey." 

"Hey!" He turns around and Armie traps him in his arms. 

"What are you doing?" 

"Nothing" he giggles. Armie bites his nose, Tim can't stop smiling.

"Well, I'll leave you two to elope" Saoirse leaves to talk to someone else.

"Wanna get out of here?" They've been here for some hours, Tim dutifully introducing Armie to everyone as his boyfriend. 

"Yes! Let's go." 

 

__________

 

It's one in the morning when they actually get to leave. 

Armie decides to take another route, some empty roads with only the street lights gracing them. 

Golden lights wash over them, they desperately try to crawl inside the car, wanting to share their warmth and loneliness. There is something bewitching in these empty roads, the inviting yellow gold lights. Tim rolls his window down, feels the wind in his hair, wants to float away in the night. 

_ Gold vision  _ softly plays on as they drive.

Tim feels like he's in a dream sequence, alone and with someone at the same time. He realises he's said this aloud when Armie's voice pulls him out of his haze, bringing him back to the present like an anchor to his adrift mind.

"I used to do this all the time, with my friends in college."

"Drive into the night?"

"Yeah, like these empty streets. sometimes we would talk, sometimes we would just smoke weed and enjoy the chill music.".

"That sounds nice."

Armie looks over at him, "yeah. It did...and I never thought about it like that…"

Tim whispers, feeling like he's only allowed to whisper, "like what?"

"Being alone with myself and being with someone at the same time."

"It feels like that, doesn't it?"

"Yeah... something we have to learn, how to be alone with ourselves and be with each other."

"Man, this hour is like prime time for self loathing. How can you bring out wisdom."

Armie laughs, "I didn't say anything, you did."

"Ok great. Well, I'll take all the credit I guess."

"Yeah, you do that." Armie changes the song,  _ What brought you today  _ plays on the stereo.

Tim songs along, his voice low and velvety. 

The song stops and tim is suddenly reminded of the thing he's been putting off for a long time, delaying the inevitable.

"You know the movie I am shooting in budapest…"

"Yeah? What about it?"

"I am leaving in two weeks"

"Wait! Wait, what?"

"Armie it's gonna start shooting in two weeks…"

"No, I heard that. Is it preponed? They want you early?"

"Armie.." he tries to breathe, he isn't prepared for this.

Armie rambles on, "I mean you told me they're gonna shoot this summer."

"Well, it's summer."

"It's too soon."

"I am sorry. I...I didn't tell you about this. But they informed me a while ago and I just...I didn't want to burst this perfect bubble we've been living in, just thinking about it gave me so much anxiety."

Armie is silent for another moment.

"Armie, please speak something."

"I don't know. Tim, you always do this, you always pile things up in the corner of 'to talk about later'. But later never comes, well only until it's thrust upon you or it jumps up on you."

"Are you angry with me?"

"No...well, only a little"

"I am sorry."

"It's okay. Just...don't do this again. You can talk to me about things that give you anxiety instead of just ignoring it, while it looms over you."

"Okay. Okay I'll do that"

"God, I am scared of you being in budapest all alone." He laughs, instantly lightening the mood, making Tim relax.

"Oh fuck off!"

"I think I'll drop you off to the airport, to make sure you have everything with you, your passport, your phone, your wallet, just in case you forget to pack them...you know...your anxious brain might want to forgo last minute checks" Tim blushes and flips him the bird, he's not entirely wrong, he did forget his boarding pass in security once.

They are almost home when Armie speaks, "Promise me, you'll call every now and then?"

Tim smiles and bites his lips,"Promise."

They climb up the stairs to Armie's apartment.

"Promise me that you'll talk to me about your anxiety, with anybody really."

"Promise" he holds Armie's hands in his own.

When they're both naked on the bed after a long session of love making, their faces inches apart, Armie whispers,

"Promise you'll like me the same when you come back…"

"Promise."

Tim seals the deal with a kiss.

  
  



	12. The sky and the sea

The streets are drenched. The lights from everywhere - the lampposts, traffic signals, car headlights, are reflected and refracted from the water on the ground - they look like brush strokes on an oil painting. Tim watches as the rain pours heavily. The car glides on the road, the journey from the airport to his flat getting longer and longer by the minute.

 

 **T** : I am gonna be late, don't wait for me.

 **A** : I am gonna wait, you idiot.

 **T** : I will just sink into my bed and you must be tired because of work...we can meet tomorrow.

 **A** : But Timmmm!!

 **T** : Armmiieee! 

 **A** : I can't wait to see after so long.

 **T** : I know...just a few hours more...TBH I had something in mind.

 **A** : what? 

 **T** : I was thinking...we could go back to the place we first met...I don't know haha.

 **A** : that's romantic as fuck Tim.

 **T** : arghhh...well, what do you think…

 **A** : that would be cool...you think you can wake up that early? You must be tired and also Jet lagged.

 **T** : armie, remember all those times I met up with you despite hating early mornings…

 **A** : yeah I do…

 **T** : I'll meet you tomorrow…

 

Tim hesitates, he was really going for it...adding a _I love you_ at the end.

 

 **T** : can't wait to see you! Goodnight gorgeous!

 

Tim releases his breath, he can tell him tomorrow when they see each other. He really can't wait.

 

___________

  


Tim walks on the sandy beach, he has an urge to remove his shoes, to feel the sand under his feet. He takes off his shoes, carefully puts his socks inside them. He moves closer to the water. The sky above is an angry gray, there's a storm coming. The sea below reflects the colours of the sky, reflects its agitation, anxious waves thrash the shore, coming closer and closer every second. 

 

Tim is transfixed by the sea. He tries to find it's beginning, like a child. At the end of the horizon, the sky and the sea seem to meet or ...maybe it's where they begin? And maybe, the sea and sky are forlorn lovers, they've been separated for a long time. They want to reunite, want to become one again. 

 

The sea waves move closer and closer, not caring about swallowing someone. And they're so loud in their conquest, Timmy can't hear anything other than the waves crashing down onto each other. It's hypnotic to say the least. He shakes his head and lies on the shore, some feet above the water line. The sounds, the breeze, the sand below him lull him to sleep, trick him to stay. He closes his eyes for a second, giving in, hoping Armie arrives sooner or the sea will feast on him.

 

Someone comes up next to him, trying not to make any sound. Tim doesn't have to guess, he waits for the someone to claim him.

 

Armie sits besides him and Tim doesn't open his eyes. He feels Armie leaning in, pressing his pillowy lips on Tim's.

 

"Missed you."

 

Tim smiles with his eyes closed, "missed you too."

 

He rolls around and puts his head in Armie's lap, wrapping his hands around Armie's waist.

 

"Baby." Armie coos "you're quite the romantic, asking me to come here. It's not our anniversary, right?"

 

"Haha. No, it's not."

 

"Good. Cause I don't really remember it"

 

Tim pinches Armie's hips, "it's the most important thing for me."

 

"Sorry! Sorry!" Armie laughs, "this is nice but there's a storm coming, I would have liked to meet somewhere else…"

 

"Oh? You would've liked an invitation to my bed."

 

"I won't mind."

 

Tim laughs, "Shut up! Also you're late." He nuzzles his face in Armie's thighs, poking his nose, biting the flesh, "won't get in my pants like that."

 

"Oooh. What should I do?"

 

"Hmmm. Please me, spoil me... It's been some time." 

 

Armie plays with Tim's hair, it's longer now, "that can be arranged" he brings Tim's hand to his lips, "Tim… I can't believe you're here. It's like a dream."

 

"I know. This is so perfect." He sighs, pinches Armie's thighs.

 

"Ow! What are you doing?!" Armie yelps.

 

Tim giggles, "Pinching to check if it's a dream."

 

"You're like a shark, what with the biting and pinching...You're a menace, Tim. I hate you." 

 

"Well, I love you."

 

Tim awaits Armie's reaction. From his lap, he can't gauge his reaction. His hands though, they give an answer first, they caress his skin, leave shivers down his body.

 

"You know I love you too…"

 

"I wouldn't know…" Tim teases.

 

"Oh you're in the mood, today." 

 

"Hmm."

 

It's so different now. Everything. And nothing. His relationships have changed but not really, not all. He found so many new things and new people to explore...If Tim used a microscope and looked at the slides that represent his life for the past six months, he would see - how every moment, every spoken word, every micro-decision that lead him here. He can't pinpoint the change in him - Is he more mature now? More ambitious? More settled? Less insecure? Less anxious? He goes back and forth with any positive development but it's two steps forward and one step backwards. So he's ok with it.

 

"So you're gonna start the podcast soon?"

 

"Yeah, I am so excited. I've been waiting for this for a long time…" Armie looks lost in his thoughts. He told Tim one day, admitted like it was a shameful thought. His words were,

 

"I have failed cinema but it hasn't failed me." 

 

He would tell Tim over the phone, not able to face him. Ages ago he had tried and failed as an actor but the love for movies never left him, he wanted to talk about it, wanted to discuss it at length with other movie junkies. 

 

Tim would listen patiently. His only reply to Armie's rambling would be,

"You know the word has french origins."

 

"Hmm? Does it? It's just... it's such a romantic word." And that's when Armie decided, the first episode of the podcast would be about the origins of _cinema_ , the _silver screen_ and the _smoke and mirrors_.

 

It took some time for Armie to finally move forward with the podcast. Not because there weren't other cinephiles or there wasn't enough resources. It took some time because Armie felt like he had failed, failed cinema and himself. 

Tim is very proud of Armie for finally doing this project, he tells Armie how he's gonna hear his voice on loop, hearing him talk about the thing he's so passionate about, the passion that he hid from everyone.

 

There's so much in store for them in the future. Individually so. Tim hopes they can figure everything out together, find some space for each other as their life continues to grow. He doesn't wanna lose people close to him, it's a miracle that his loved ones stayed with him. He knows now, sometimes it's not because of the person that your relationship fails, sometimes it's the situation you're in, sometimes it's just the circumstances. People succumb to pressure all the time, who wouldn't like the easy way out? who wouldn't like to save themselves instead of others? Who would want to deal with _feelings_ and _conflicts_?

 

He has forgiven Cathy and Cathy has forgiven him. But the thing is...now, today, he wouldn't repeat the same mistakes again. He wouldn't choose himself over his loved ones. It's not the same thing as sacrificing himself. For him, it means that he would fight for his loved ones, be it a friend or family or a lover. It means that he wouldn't run away from the wounds that comes with loving someone. 

 

"Do you remember Margaret and Joe?" Armie pulls him back to the present.

 

"Who? The old couple?" 

 

"Yeah...I just remembered that you were curious about them when we first met."

 

"I was."

 

"Do you...do you want to meet them or something? They're quite nice people. They're not here right now, obviously." He looks at the near empty beach, besides the storm and themselves, no one significant. 

 

"I don't know...I don't think so."

 

Armie laughs, "No?"

 

"No. They're kinda the picture perfect couple, you know. Like how I would imagine myself and ummm…" Tim blushes, he can't say that he imagines them to grow old together, happy and content, "I know they'll be pleasant and all but...it's just that they are a fairy tale for me. And I would like them to stay that way. I don't want to insert myself into the picture, into the fairy tale. I can watch them from afar and make stories in my head." He smiles in Armie's lap, "They are real in my head but not really...I would like them to stay here, on this beach, frozen in time so I can watch them from afar, marvel at their love. I don't want to think of the possibility of them ever vanishing."

 

Armie breathes looking into the distance, "I like the way you say things."

 

"I am not that good..."

 

"Why are you always putting yourself down?"

 

 _"So you won't I guess"_ pops up in his head. But it's not true, not really.

 

"I can never truly believe in myself."

 

"That's incredibly sad. It's one thing to perch yourself on top of a ladder, never letting anyone touch your ego and another to constantly step down when someone is pulling you up." He smirks, changing the tone of the conversation, "I think you're being modest. I mean you wouldn't have landed the awesome roles if you didn't believe in yourself."

 

"Arghhh. Don't! I hate the way you and Saoirse make this into such a big deal."

 

"Oh my god. You have to be kidding." Armie tugs on the curls, "You know how much of a _big deal_ it would have been for you, just a year ago."

 

Timmy hides his face in embarrassment, "Sorry. I don't want to be ungrateful…"

 

"Yeah. I know, you're just putting yourself down." He takes a deep breath, "maybe try to think how far you've come…"

 

"Yeah...it's been really good for me career wise. I am finally getting the roles I've always wanted... thankyou Armie."

 

"For what?"

 

"For staying with me...for tolerating my bullshit."

 

"Thankyou for tolerating mine."

 

And it's so easy... So easy being with Armie. He is his lover, he is his best friend. He can't ask for a better person.

 

"We should go." Armie warns.

 

The storm is filled with rage. Any time now, any time it would unleash it's wrath on them mere mortals. He likes the thought of being drenched in rain, running on the sand, their shoes in one hand, the other clutching and holding onto each other, falling and laughing. 

 

He smiles to himself, "I don't want to." He stays put and imagines someone watching them from the distance. Maybe a young man with a broken heart, searching for the meaning of love and life. He's looking for answers in Armie and Timmy, the quiet comfort and intricate intimacy reflected by them. Maybe there's someone on the beach for him, a lonely man who's faced failed relationships, a failed passion. Someone who perfectly fits him. Maybe the young man is Tim himself, from some alternate universe, desperate to know the secret that the _other_ Tim holds now. He would never cross the distance and ask him personally. He would find the answers on his own, in himself and in someone else.

 

 

 _Fin_.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my first fic ever. And it's so close to my heart. I wrote it when I was going through a hard time, it was a great solace and escape. This is something that I would love to read. Truly.  
> And you know the funny thing is that this whole fic is based on them meeting on a beach. And I had never been to a beach, I had many missed opportunities. Just a month ago, I was able to finally go to one and experience it myself. The ocean, it's vastness and it's significance.  
> The thing is that this story would never end for me. I don't think the characters would ever leave me, because they are part of me or I am a part of them?  
> I would like to write more, maybe a sequel, if anybody would like.  
> And lastly I would like to thank anyone who read and acknowledged it, I know how hard it is to take some time out to read. 
> 
> And as I would like to say,  
> Thankyou for reading,  
> Fictio.

**Author's Note:**

> recklessfreakofnature on Tumblr


End file.
